30 Jul I can go my own way.
I can no longer not be myself.
It comes at a great cost.
At first, barely noticeable, like the proverbial poor lobster in the pot.
But why would I choose to keep ignoring the small voice which repeats whenever I summon shit together enough to slow down and listen to it?
I know myself, by now. I know what it wants.
And more blatantly, it bubbles over – with more magnitude, a louder voice. Whether I label it malaise, dissatisfaction, being down, the blues – it is the feeling that something is off.
That a part of my heart is missing.
That I need to live in a more me way.
That the choices I’m currently making do not cut it.
That I need to listen to my own self.
That I need to come home, and be me again.
And I need to drown out the resistance. Because all the reasons why not right now, add up to never,
Remembering, that resistance is confusion, but I already have clarity.
Remembering, that resistance is also a sign that I’ve hit something giant, something deep. The real thing.
Because when the resistance comes in the form of ‘too busy’ – here’s the thing about survival. I’m not honestly spending 24/7 on my survival (though sleep, work, food, self care and all the rest add up to a lot) – but I also make other choices during those hours. I soothe myself by tuning out and reward myself with numbing activities – and now I take responsibility for it.
Because not being myself more directly threatens my survival – not just by making me gloomy, but it means I do not connect to the essence of life – that which I love to experience, that which I believe in the most.
So here’s a call – let me be me. And let you be your truest self.
We’re not talking about that surface level of, how do I fit in, or how do I set myself apart. There is no comparison here, because there is no thought of anything outside myself. It is a question of – what is my most true self? And how do I, as an ASAP priority, reignite, reconnect, reinvigorate that part of me?